untitled

i'm at liz's right now. watched the fireworks yesterday. need to find a place. write more later =)

August 10 2009
There has been very little time for self reflection here in Montreal/Trois Riviere. I have been away from home for two months now and everyday it just seems to be like “go, go, go”. I haven’t yet settled down yet in terms of a place and belonging. I haven’t yet found a job or have found a place to practice my French without sounding stupid. I am experiencing a lot though (on the go). Laying here at one in the morning, I try to recollect my whereabouts and experiences. I feel like it is necessary for me to slow down and breathe and acknowledge what has been happening.--perhaps to value it more.

A question was asked in class the other day—what would I like to do in life. I’ve mumbled something like a lot of stuff and I don’t know yet. That’s what I am here to discover and so on. I would like to bungee jump. Dumb answers like that. I don’t plan very well. I walk one step at a time and I measure out what is desired and attainable. I wish I could have been learning French and staying in Montreal through different means perhaps for school or for a job and with a more solid purpose. But opportunities for me to do such a thing were slim so I carved my own way--with the motivation of several friends--I found courage to push a thought into practice. One of the workers from the catering place I worked in, his name was Chris, I think, told me to “just go…you won’t regret it and you can’t imagine the things that you would learn…that’s my only advice for you, just go”. He is right I have learned a lot in terms of seeing and experiencing a different place and environment and being on my own. In a way, I am living out “what I want to do in life”. I thought the hard part was telling my parents and getting here. I can’t tell you how difficult it is sometimes to feel an empty pit in my stomach and thinking that I’ve gone nowhere with this…with my French and establishing a sense of belonging while watching my bank digits decrease as I am unemployed. It’s frustrating. But in the end, I figure, if I could accomplish this, I could really do anything. And it’s something that I could personally be proud of.

Afternoon of Tuesday:

I guess I am a bit stuck and reflection generally makes me more solemn. Staying in Trois Riviere was an experience. I think I’ve drank and partied more there than I had in my entire life. I had also learned and practiced more French than I ever would if I had stayed in Vancouver. I met a lot of amazing people, people who I think I would keep in touch with for the rest of my life. And as I was leaving the program I felt like I would be excited to get back to Montreal and begin to settle down, finally—find a place, find a job and learn French—carving my own paths again. There’s no schedule and no guidelines, no classes at the moment (except for bartending). I don’t know how to practice my French. I tried it in the Starbucks I’m sitting in at the moment. (I couldn’t get internet to work at Liz’s place.) So I said a sentence and it’s going well then I saw the confused look in his face. I switched to English. Do they get offended if I speak in really bad French? I’m worried that I might not be able to find a job…I feel like this might be a hindrance towards me finding a place. As yesterday’s interview, the guy was like, yes, it is important to speak French even if you want to go into bartending. Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Everything seems to be a downer and I’m waiting for some sort of light to shine through this situation.
And as for yesterday’s place…I don’t think we clicked very well. I was super tired so I was in my mumbling mode and it felt really awkward. I was pretty much done but couldn’t leave because he offered me tea and the tea was still very hot. I fucken told him that…oh my honesty would take me nowhere. I like the location and I like the space but there’s a couple downfall as well. The laundry room is crammed, small and unorganized. The room is huge and unfurnished (no closet space). There’s just a bed in there. He picked his other roommate and it’s a guy as well so I feel like the toilet seat will always be up. I feel like I am being judged a lot…it seems like he doubts that I could live with roommates because I don’t have a lot of experience with it other than the last couple of months. He wants someone who is sociable and I told him that I like my alone time as well. I know I didn’t sell myself very well last night but I don’t seem to care at the moment.

It’s depressing. I could shape my personality anyway I want here. I could revamp who I am or who I think I am to someone that … I don’t know. I want change. I don’t think I’ve ever had this big of an opportunity for change where I could recreate my identity. I am a nobody and my identity is questioned and doubted. Expand later.