strange

I saw the strangest thing the other day on the streets of Montreal. It was around 14 hours and I was leaving a friend’s place going to the Metro. I was walking pass this girl talking on her cellphone and pushing her suitcase. A man was walking slightly behind her on her right side. At first, I didn’t think too much of it; I thought, they could be friends. But something was off. His face had a grunt and he seemed to be very jittery. Then as I passed them, I saw something that shouldn’t typically be seen in broad daylight. I passed them and I took a double take and saw that his pants were pulled down. He was jerking off right behind the girl with the suitcase. I was going to say something or maybe I was too shocked to but he looked back at me. He saw me looking. I wish I could have screamed something thinking about it now and I regret that I didn’t. My excuse would be I was too shocked and too scared to say anything. Plus, what if they say something back to me in French?

My bartending event was last night and I managed to invite twelve people but I had the worst tips ever. The same thing happened the last time I worked for the school and there will always be excuses. I was on the floor all night and I didn’t know how to speak French to the French clientele or I only invited twelve people and they were all friends so it’s awkward to be tipped. Whatever the excuse is, I know I didn’t perform well. It’s like, I am unable to socialize. I need to work on that. I felt so pathetic last night. The cash didn’t event balance.

I don’t know where my strength had gone or my motivation. I miss the comfort of my own home and my mom’s food. I miss being able to speak English and be taken seriously. I miss being seen. Will I ever be integrated into this new society that is so foreign to me? I feel like an outsider with cold shoulders turned to me and no solid information and long waiting lines. I am filling my days with things to do like walking down a long alleyway just to see that it is a dead end. I hate calling in to ask for information about things because I feel like if they see me they would take me more seriously and that we would be able to communicate better. I can’t tell you how frustrating communication is here for me. I know, I bought it onto myself. I wanted to do this. I still do. It’s funny. I feel like an immigrant feeding myself the American dream.

On the application form for the employment center it asks me whether I consider myself a minority. I’ve never been asked that before and was tempted to leave it blank so they could decide for me. Being born as a Chinese descent is fixed, sure, but being born as a minority…I guess I align a lot of negativity to the word minority. To say that anyone who isn’t white is a minority has an evil twist to its sounding. Minority means less power to have a say, it means discrimination and socially handicapped. Sure I understand that I am categorized as a minority but I’ve never fully come to consciousness of this. I think it’s because I grew up in Vancouver where the majority are Asians.

This is a change. I am seeing a lot and it is draining me. I’m meeting people that are really different from the people who I usually attract myself to. It still excites me that I am out of my comfort zone trying really hard to make this work out. I told myself before, if this was to be easy I would never had step foot out of my house. I’m never one for a plateau life, not for long. I would not have completed my final semester happily knowing what I knew then. I just hope I could make something out of my life. And this experience allows me to feel the strain of this nothingness a lot more potent than if I were to stay. And I hope it’s enough to push me for change, for betterment and for a sense of understanding.

I’m making a lot of yummy food on my own. I love making meals at home and I love rice. I found appreciation for the comfort of rice in my tummy. I took it for granted when I had it everyday at home. I am more Chinese here than I am in Vancouver, I realize. I like speaking in Chinese and my race is more recognized here. It’s the strangest feeling. I’m not quite sure how to explain it yet.