strange

I saw the strangest thing the other day on the streets of Montreal. It was around 14 hours and I was leaving a friend’s place going to the Metro. I was walking pass this girl talking on her cellphone and pushing her suitcase. A man was walking slightly behind her on her right side. At first, I didn’t think too much of it; I thought, they could be friends. But something was off. His face had a grunt and he seemed to be very jittery. Then as I passed them, I saw something that shouldn’t typically be seen in broad daylight. I passed them and I took a double take and saw that his pants were pulled down. He was jerking off right behind the girl with the suitcase. I was going to say something or maybe I was too shocked to but he looked back at me. He saw me looking. I wish I could have screamed something thinking about it now and I regret that I didn’t. My excuse would be I was too shocked and too scared to say anything. Plus, what if they say something back to me in French?

My bartending event was last night and I managed to invite twelve people but I had the worst tips ever. The same thing happened the last time I worked for the school and there will always be excuses. I was on the floor all night and I didn’t know how to speak French to the French clientele or I only invited twelve people and they were all friends so it’s awkward to be tipped. Whatever the excuse is, I know I didn’t perform well. It’s like, I am unable to socialize. I need to work on that. I felt so pathetic last night. The cash didn’t event balance.

I don’t know where my strength had gone or my motivation. I miss the comfort of my own home and my mom’s food. I miss being able to speak English and be taken seriously. I miss being seen. Will I ever be integrated into this new society that is so foreign to me? I feel like an outsider with cold shoulders turned to me and no solid information and long waiting lines. I am filling my days with things to do like walking down a long alleyway just to see that it is a dead end. I hate calling in to ask for information about things because I feel like if they see me they would take me more seriously and that we would be able to communicate better. I can’t tell you how frustrating communication is here for me. I know, I bought it onto myself. I wanted to do this. I still do. It’s funny. I feel like an immigrant feeding myself the American dream.

On the application form for the employment center it asks me whether I consider myself a minority. I’ve never been asked that before and was tempted to leave it blank so they could decide for me. Being born as a Chinese descent is fixed, sure, but being born as a minority…I guess I align a lot of negativity to the word minority. To say that anyone who isn’t white is a minority has an evil twist to its sounding. Minority means less power to have a say, it means discrimination and socially handicapped. Sure I understand that I am categorized as a minority but I’ve never fully come to consciousness of this. I think it’s because I grew up in Vancouver where the majority are Asians.

This is a change. I am seeing a lot and it is draining me. I’m meeting people that are really different from the people who I usually attract myself to. It still excites me that I am out of my comfort zone trying really hard to make this work out. I told myself before, if this was to be easy I would never had step foot out of my house. I’m never one for a plateau life, not for long. I would not have completed my final semester happily knowing what I knew then. I just hope I could make something out of my life. And this experience allows me to feel the strain of this nothingness a lot more potent than if I were to stay. And I hope it’s enough to push me for change, for betterment and for a sense of understanding.

I’m making a lot of yummy food on my own. I love making meals at home and I love rice. I found appreciation for the comfort of rice in my tummy. I took it for granted when I had it everyday at home. I am more Chinese here than I am in Vancouver, I realize. I like speaking in Chinese and my race is more recognized here. It’s the strangest feeling. I’m not quite sure how to explain it yet.

update?

email me if i haven't given you my address already

signed up for french classes and the placement test is on monday the 21st. If I fail this placement test (for intermediate french), the next available course for my level would be in January...I need to find more affordable french courses...

the whole registration process is so frustrating! kinda makes me feel down...=(

problems with my roommate...the place is still a mess...

Bartending party next friday...very excited.

Loving the coffee and tupper ware from Vancouver--p.s. thanks for the chats!

here

I tried to refrain myself from writing about this cause I thought it would get better soon but things has gotten to borderline ridiculous. First it was the asking of a deposit (which is illegal in Quebec) then it was the case of my missing roommate for four days (as she has the copy of the key), then the journeys back and forth for a day and a half to retrieve a set of keys that I should have gotten three weeks ago. Now, the leaking ceiling…this is way too much to take in at the moment. I still wanted to find a job and French classes. Is this all part of the experience? How to deal with nasty landlords and roommates? She just covered the ceiling up with paint and didn’t stop a pathway through the upper level to my room. I can get pass this.

So if I seem distant or haven’t been calling as often it is largely because I’m trying to settle this…running around like a chicken without a head trying to get things done—but nothing. Hehe. Ohhhh.

New York was amazing. There isn’t anything to complain about. The bus ride was a bit long but even that was enjoyable. I had so much fun. And, shout out to Trevor. Thank you for Jean-Georges. It was an unforgettable experience. You have paid for the best foodgasm I’ve ever had.

Today’s my last day of bartending class. I really enjoyed it and must say, did exceptionally well on my practical. I think barista-ing did me good in terms of speed. I ended up to be the fastest in the class and won a match against the instructor as he was using only one hand. =). I don’t have internet in my place yet so text me if anything.